this is from awhile ago but it is important to me:

I wanted to scream but the words couldn’t come out of my mouth. Every time he would ask “what?” it felt like my mind and soul were fighting each other and using my body as a battle field. Does it always hurt this much? Love? Is it supposed to be this painful? Is because I care so much? I want him to be happy but he is not with me so it kills me to see him happy with her. Why? Love…am I in love? Is love having your face light up whenever you see that person? Is love smiling so hard for hours after you see them? is it thinking about them so much that you can picture them as clear as day? Is love seeing all that is wrong with them but loving them despite it…no, because of it? Accepting their flaws and weaknesses and finding them beautiful. When I look at him the world seems so beautiful because he is in, because he is in my life. I am so lucky to have him in my life. But wouldn’t my life be so much easier without him? Because I know that I can’t have him. NO. Life would be harder because I would never trade him or this feeling for anything. No matter how hard it is. No matter how much it is breaking me from the inside. Because it is mentally wrong to love him. He is my best friend’s boyfriend. And they are crazy about each other. But I have tried so hard to suppress this feeling, to get away from him. But I can’t. he is like the sun and I am orbiting around him, pulled in by gravity. I now understand Romeo, “and Juliet is the sun” . Juliet is the light in his life, the joy, and she is pulling him into her unintentionally through some power that we can see. It isn’t tangible. Is it fate? I don’t think so. Maybe it’s just those mind bonds that some people have with one another. Their minds and the way the way think just kinda gravitate towards one another. Whatever it is, is it possible for only one person, like me, to feel that bond? Is it really possible that he does feel it too? How can he not see which I so plainly saw early on? Is he just slow, seeing it but not willing to admit it or is it just me? How is it that I want to love him so much and I do but I know I can’t? I can’t! Why does it hurt! Why does he have to be so amazing! Why can’t I just accept the way things are? How did I let it get this far… Cause its him. I have only truly known him for a short time but it’s him. It only takes a moment right? And I know I’m young and things will probably never work out and I will probably fall in love again (if this is love) but this is how I feel right now, in this moment. That boy…oh that boy that we talked about on the sidewalk, it’s you ____, it’s you. And you will never know but it’s you. I want to tell you I do. But the amount of pain I’m feeling right now is nothing compared to the potential pain I could put on ____, on ____, on you… I couldn’t do that. And I couldn’t risk our friendship. It means so much to me. I will wait. Cause that’s all I can do. Cause that’s my only option and I’m willing to do it. Cause I can’t stop this feeling.